Difficult Conversations
Managing Aging and Eldercare in Blended Families
Managing the aging process for your parent is hard enough. The time and energy to be present and available for all the needs can be consuming. This challenge is even more complicated when you are managing two different families due to blended families or chosen relationships of the parent. The unspoken rules and inherent loyalties within each original family unit can create friction, making it crucial to approach this sensitive period with empathy, open communication, and a clear strategy. Fortunately, with the right planning and blueprint, multiple families can help spread the responsibilities across more invested people.
This article aims to provide guidance for blended families facing the realities of aging parents, emphasizing the importance of respecting elder wishes while ensuring the burden of care is shared equitably.
Honoring Elder Wishes: The Guiding Star
The cornerstone of any eldercare plan must be the wishes and preferences of the aging individuals themselves. Their wishes for independence and dignity should be paramount, while using your judgement as to their capacity for autonomy and safety becomes critical. While it is usually impossible to do everything exactly as they wish, the process involves:
Direct and Open Conversations: Initiate conversations early and often about their desires regarding living arrangements, healthcare, end-of-life care, and financial management. Don't assume you know what they want.
Active Listening: Truly listen to their concerns, fears, and hopes. Validate their feelings, even if they differ from your own or other family members'.
Respecting Preferences: Whenever possible, honor their choices. This might mean adapting plans to accommodate their desire to stay in their own home, even if it presents logistical challenges.
Involving Them in Decisions: Ensure they are active participants in all major decisions affecting their lives. This fosters a sense of control and reduces feelings of helplessness.
Dividing Labor: A Collaborative Approach
One of the most delicate aspects of eldercare in blended families is the division of labor. It’s crucial to avoid a scenario where a child of one spouse feels solely responsible for the care of both parents. This can breed resentment and strain family relationships. Effective strategies include:
Open Family Meetings: Schedule regular meetings, either in person or virtually, involving all adult children from both sides. This provides a platform for open discussion, brainstorming, and collaborative planning.
Identifying Skills and Availability: Encourage each family member to identify their strengths, skills, and availability. One person might be adept at managing finances, another might live closer and can handle regular visits, while someone else might have medical knowledge.
Creating Specific Roles and Responsibilities: Clearly define tasks and assign them to individuals or teams. This could include scheduling appointments, managing medications, coordinating home care, handling finances, or providing emotional support. Document these responsibilities to avoid misunderstandings.
Leveraging Technology: Utilize shared calendars, communication apps, and online platforms to coordinate schedules, share updates, and track tasks.
Acknowledging Limitations: Recognize that not everyone can contribute equally due to geographical distance, personal circumstances, or other commitments. Focus on what each person can reasonably do.
Avoiding Assumptions: Don't assume that a child of one spouse is inherently more responsible for that parent. Encourage all children to participate in the care of both individuals.
Effective Communication: The Bridge to Understanding
Clear and consistent communication is the glue that holds a blended family together during the challenging times of eldercare. Families should also focus on life after one or both of the loved ones pass. Resentment, lack of clarity, and emotional distress are a high price to pay while grieving your loved one. In some instances, and all too often, there is even legal challenges when everyone was not on the same page.
Establish Communication Channels: Determine the most effective ways for everyone to stay informed – regular emails, group text messages, video calls, or a dedicated online group.
Practice Active Listening and Empathy: When communicating, focus on understanding each other's perspectives and acknowledging their feelings. Avoid defensiveness or blame.
Be Transparent and Honest: Share information openly and honestly, even when it's difficult. This builds trust and prevents misunderstandings.
Address Conflicts Constructively: Disagreements are inevitable. Establish ground rules for respectful conflict resolution, focusing on finding solutions rather than assigning blame. Consider a neutral third-party mediator if necessary.
Regular Updates: Keep everyone informed about the elders' health, appointments, and any changes in the care plan.
Acknowledge and Appreciate Contributions: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate the efforts of each family member, no matter how small. This fosters a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility.
Navigating Difficult Subjects
Several sensitive areas require careful consideration and open dialogue:
Joint Finances: Managing joint finances can be particularly complex in blended families. Establish clear protocols for how funds will be used for eldercare expenses and who will support paying bills and managing finances on behalf of each parent. This might involve creating a joint account, outlining contribution percentages, and maintaining transparent records. Seek professional financial advice if needed.
Healthcare Decisions: Discuss healthcare wishes and ensure everyone understands the legal documents in place (e.g., power of attorney for healthcare). Designate a primary point person for medical communication, but ensure all relevant family members are kept informed. Respect the designated healthcare proxy's decisions while encouraging open dialogue. If you are not the healthcare proxy, please rememeber that the designated person has a huge and emotional responsibility. Try to be supportive and helpful while remembering that your loved one selected this person. You may not agree with everything, but try to respect the process.
Living Arrangements: Decisions about living arrangements can be emotionally charged. Explore all options, including aging in place, assisted living, or moving in with a family member. Prioritize the elders' preferences while considering the practicalities and impact on all involved. If the parent’s move in with one of the children from either side, it is imperative that the other family honors the choice; including emotional, social, and even financial support.
Sharing the Burden Across Distances: When some children live far away, it's crucial to find meaningful ways for them to contribute. This could include:
Financial Contributions: Assisting with the costs of care.
Remote Support: Managing online tasks, coordinating appointments remotely, or providing emotional support through phone calls and video chats.
Scheduled Visits: Planning regular visits to provide respite for local caregivers and maintain connection with the elders.
Research and Information Gathering: Helping to research resources and options for care.
"Taking the Keys" and Other Hard Topics: Decisions about when to stop driving, and other emotional decisions, are difficult under the easiest conditions. It is infinitely harder when there are more people involved who have diverging opinions. Start with consensus building. It is easier to manage difficult topics when there is agreement about how it should be handled. When the conversation with the loved one occurs, be selective about who is in the room and who agrees to be attached to the outcome from afar. Emotionally charged topics are often connected to unrelated circumstance (for example "She doesn't like me anyway, that's why she wants this"). Staying on topic, and using the power of consensus that this is the right decision, will help your loved ones make better decisions for themselves.
The Unfair Burden: Acknowledging and Addressing Imbalance
It is inherently unfair for a child of one spouse to bear the entire responsibility for the care of both individuals. This can lead to burnout, resentment, and strained relationships. It's crucial for the other spouse's children to actively participate and share the load. Openly address any perceived imbalances and work together to redistribute responsibilities fairly. Remind everyone that these are now shared parents, and the responsibility for their well-being rests with all their adult children.
Seeking External Support:
Don't hesitate to seek external support when needed. This might include:
Geriatric Care Managers: Professionals who can assess the elders' needs, develop care plans, and coordinate services.
Therapists or Counselors: To facilitate communication and help family members navigate the emotional complexities of eldercare.
Support Groups: Connecting with others who are facing similar challenges can provide valuable insights and emotional support.
Legal and Financial Professionals: For guidance on legal documents, financial planning, and estate matters.
Conclusion:
Managing aging and eldercare in blended families requires a delicate balance of respect, communication, and collaboration. By prioritizing the wishes of the elders, establishing clear roles and responsibilities, fostering open communication, and addressing difficult subjects with sensitivity, blended families can navigate this challenging journey with greater understanding and unity. Remember that the goal is to provide the best possible care for your shared loved ones while preserving family harmony and ensuring that the burden is shared equitably among all their children. This collaborative approach not only honors the aging parents but also strengthens the bonds within the blended family for years to come.
Golden Agreements seeks to build harmony and a unified vision among family members/loved ones, and professional support, for the aging process. By facilitating difficult discussions, and helping the Golden Client (you, your aging parent, your loved one, etc) make important decisions based on values and priorites, families can set expectations and honor independence and dignity with love. This information should be used in conjunction with the advice of lawyers, doctors, and other professionals who are familiar with your individual needs