Talking To Parents About Aging

Ugh. No one wants to start this conversation. We spend our entire life admiring our parents for the care, support, and opportunities they gave us and now it’s time to give back. Only this time, most parents don’t want it! They want to see themselves as independent and capable as they were for your entire life and they are not prepared to begin receiving help. Golden Agreements was born from 20 years of experience, and consequences, of lack of planning for aging.  It's a scenario many of us face: You're worried. You see the years passing, and while your parents are (hopefully) thriving, you know that someday things might change. You want to talk about "the future," but the words "aging," "long-term care," and "estate planning" seem to trigger an immediate shutdown.  This can be the topic that seems to flip the script:  children begin taking on the role of an adult to their aging parent.  

You're not alone. We are a society that has largely valued self worth on the ability to take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, aging doesn’t work like that. Talking to parents about aging is a delicate dance. They may be fiercely independent, uncomfortable with vulnerability, or simply avoidant of mortality. But these conversations are crucial, not just for practical reasons, but for peace of mind – everyone's peace of mind.  Start with your own perception, not theirs.  Children can be caretakers of their senior parents WITHOUT parenting them.  With the right support, community and plans, aging does not have to be locked into a power dynamic.  

GoldenAgreements.com was founded to address this very topic and make the dialogue easier.  This process is akin to designing blueprints for the family, loved ones and professionals to follow as we age.  There is no one too young, including you, to think about planning for success.

So, how do you initiate these talks without causing a family meltdown? Here's a blend of gentle strategy and clever tactics:

1. The "Soft Entry" - Planting the Seed:

• Start with a Story (Not Theirs): Instead of launching into "Mom, we need to talk about your will," begin with a relatable anecdote. "I was reading about a friend whose parents had a great long-term care plan, and it made things so much easier..." This makes the topic less personal and threatening.

• Frame it as Your Anxiety: Reassure them that the conversation will alleviate your worries.

  • "I just want to be prepared so I consider you in my choices as my life goes on"

• Use a Doctor's Visit as a Natural Lead-in: "Since you have that appointment with Dr. Smith, maybe we could discuss ways I can support you as you age to maintain your independence and dignity.  Can I go with you to learn?"

2. Making it About Them - Empowerment, Not Control:

• Emphasize Their Wishes: The goal isn't to take over, but to honor their preferences.

  • "I want to make sure I understand what you want, so I can help make that happen."

• Focus on Independence: Position planning as a way to maintain control.

  • "By planning now, you'll have more choices about your care and living situation in the future."

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of "Do you want to stay at home?", try "What's your ideal living situation as you get older?" 

3. Turning Fear into Something More Manageable:

• Normalize the Conversation: Remind them that everyone faces these issues.

  • "It's just like planning for retirement or having a child, but for a different stage of life."

  •  Ask if this is something they are talking about with friends and be curious what they have heard or read that resonates with them.

• Break it Down: Avoid overwhelming them with everything at once. Start with one small, manageable topic.

  • "Can we just talk about your healthcare wishes today?"

• Offer Resources, Not Directives: Provide information from reputable sources (like this website!) without being pushy.

  • "I found this helpful article about different care options. Maybe we could look at it together?"

  • Suggest working with GoldenAgreements,clergy, a social worker, or aging care consultant to make the process easier with a non-involved facilitator.

4. The Power of "Later, With Support":

• Suggest a Mediator: If things get heated, offer to bring in a neutral third party, like a trained facilitator at Golden Agreements, a financial advisor, or elder law attorney.

• "Can We Revisit This?": If they're resistant, don't force it.

  • "I understand this is a lot to think about. Please remember this is something we are doing out of love and maintaining our relationship. Let’s plan a time for next week, even for just 15 minutes?"

Remember: Patience, empathy, and a gentle approach are your best tools. You're not trying to solve everything in one conversation. You're building a bridge, brick by brick, toward a future where everyone feels heard, respected, and prepared.

Stubborn Parents? See this article on dealing with stubborn parents by clicking here or in the additional resources.

Golden Agreements seeks to build harmony and a unified vision among family members/loved ones, and professional support, for the aging process.  By facilitating difficult discussions, and helping the Golden Client (you, your aging parent, your loved one, etc) make important decisions based on values and priorites, families can set expectations and honor independence and dignity with love. This information should be used in conjunction with the advice of lawyers, doctors, and other professionals who are familiar with your individual needs.