Time To Stop Driving

Do you recall how life changing it was to get your driver’s license? Even the most reasonable amongst us get uptight and concerned and the loss of independence by giving up driving.  The reasons for giving up driving start mounting with age and it is understandable to discount the significance of any one piece of evidence that it’s time.  Meanwhile, loved ones have no vested interest in “taking away keys” other than safety of their loved one and the well being of others on the road.  Yet, somehow, this conversation is one of the most challenging discussions between family members and their loved ones as they age.  The conversation is often fraught with anxiety and the potential for conflict.  There are some concrete measures to help decide when the time is right. The earlier you start the conversation, the easier it will be when the time comes. Establishing a family agreement (we call them Golden Agreements!) well in advance can make this very difficult conversation much easier.

This article provides a roadmap for navigating this sensitive issue with empathy, clarity, and a focus on solutions that prioritize everyone's safety and well-being. Having a plan in place well in advance (and we recommend video taping your parent’s agreement to the plan to use later if necessary) is a great away to plan for the future.

Advanced Planning

The best time to initiate the conversation is long before it’s time for your parent to stop driving. Having a conversation about the inevitability of “giving up the keys” and working towards established agreements on how and when it would be reasonable can prevent a lot of pain down the road. Focus on these starter questions to help guide your conversation:

• What are your perceptions about other people and their choices to keep or stop driving?

• Have you experienced driving with anyone who you felt should have stopped earlier, were you scared by their choices?

• What events would you agree would mean it’s time to have the conversation? Are you willing to talk to me when you notice concerning signs?

• If you couldn’t drive anymore, how would you like to get around? Would you be willing to use ride share services or community transportation?

• What is most important to you about having your driving independence?

Recognizing When It's Time

The key is to observe changes in your parents' driving abilities before a crisis occurs. Don't wait for an accident or a near-miss. Look for a pattern of these warning signs:

• Frequent "Fender Benders" or Close Calls: Even minor incidents can indicate diminished skills.  This is a major red flag. Note instances of almost hitting other vehicles, curbs, pedestrians, or objects.

• Difficulty Staying in the Lane:  Weaving, drifting, or crossing lane lines can indicate impaired control. 

• Inappropriate Speed:  Driving significantly below the speed limit, or conversely, speeding.

• Difficulty Navigating Familiar Routes: Getting lost in known areas is a major red flag.  Missing turns and becoming disoriented in familiar areas are also major concerns.

• Slowed Response Times: Hesitation at intersections, difficulty merging, or braking late.

• Problems with Vision or Hearing: Untreated cataracts, glaucoma, macular degeneration, or hearing loss can significantly impair driving.

• Medical Conditions: Diseases like arthritis, Parkinson's, dementia, or stroke can affect driving ability.

• Medication Side Effects: Drowsiness, dizziness, or impaired judgment can result from certain medications.

• Increased Anxiety or Fear While Driving: If your parent expresses fear or discomfort behind the wheel, take it seriously.

• Comments from Others: Pay attention to concerns raised by friends, neighbors, or other family members.

• Speed and Spacial Misjudgement:  Driving too slow or fast for traffic, tailgating or lane drifting, and focus on others are driving hazards.

• Difficulty with Traffic Signals or Signs:  Running red lights or stop signs, missing traffic signals, or misinterpreting signs.

• Increased Anxiety or Irritability While Driving:  Excessive nervousness, agitation, or anger while driving.

• Physical Difficulties Affecting Driving:  Trouble turning the head to check blind spots, inability to move foot quickly from gas to brake, or difficulty gripping the steering wheel.

Initiating “The Conversation”

This conversation to acknowledge its time to stop driving requires a delicate touch. Here's how to approach it:

• Choose the Right Time and Place: Pick a calm, private setting where you won't be interrupted. Avoid bringing it up when your parent is already stressed or tired.

• Express Concern, Not Judgment: Frame the discussion around your worry for their safety and the safety of others, rather than accusing them of being a bad driver.

  • "I'm concerned because I've noticed..." instead of "You're not a safe driver anymore."

• Listen Empathetically: Allow your parent to express their feelings, whether it's anger, sadness, or fear. Acknowledge their emotions and validate their concerns.

• Focus on Solutions: The goal isn't just to take away the keys, but to find alternative ways for them to maintain their independence and social connections.

• State The Obvious:  Dancing around the topic is only going to make your aging parent more defensive.  This isn't for your benefit, it's for theirs.  Don't be afraid to kindly, and empathically, explain that it doesn't benefit you.... it's entirely about your love and concern for them.

• Examples Of Friends Will Help: Most likely, your loved one knows someone who had to stop driving. Explore the feelings your loved one has about that to identify the priorities of your parent/loved one and try to address those concerns. For example, maybe your parent doesn’t want to be seen being picked up by a child. This can be solved many different ways including ridesharing apps, taxis, or being picked up out of sight.

Offering Alternatives: A Roadmap to Independence

Losing the ability to drive doesn't have to mean losing one's life. Brainstorm solutions together to create a sense of shared problem-solving:

• Family and Friends: Create a schedule for family members or trusted friends to provide rides.

• Public Transportation: Explore bus routes, trains, or subways in your area. Consider accompanying your parent on a few trips to help them get comfortable.

• Ride-Sharing Services: Uber, Lyft, and other ride-sharing apps can provide convenient and affordable transportation. Set up accounts for your parents and teach them how to use the apps, or arrange for you to schedule rides for them.

• Senior Transportation Services: Many communities offer transportation services specifically for seniors, often at reduced rates. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging.

• Volunteer Driver Programs: Some non-profit organizations provide volunteer drivers who offer free or low-cost transportation to medical appointments, errands, and social activities.

• Delivery Services: Groceries, prescriptions, and meals can be delivered, reducing the need to go out.

When Driving Privileges Must Be Curtailed Despite Unwillingness

In some cases, despite your best efforts, your parent may refuse to stop driving, even when it's clearly unsafe. This is a difficult situation, and you may need to take more assertive action.

Here are some options:

• Talk to Their Doctor: A physician can assess your parent's driving ability and, in some states, is legally required to report unsafe drivers to the DMV.  Many health institutions have outreach options to help assess driving readiness.  Check with your local hospital.

• Contact the DMV: Most states allow concerned family members or physicians to report potentially unsafe drivers. The DMV may require your parent to undergo a driving test or vision exam.  Check your local DMV website.

• Seek Legal Counsel: If necessary, consult with an elder law attorney who can advise you on legal options, such as seeking a guardianship or conservatorship.

• Vehicle Modification: In some cases, vehicle modifications or adaptive driving equipment may allow a person to continue driving safely for a limited time. An occupational therapist specializing in driving rehabilitation can assess this option.

• "Hiding" the Keys: As a last resort, if all other options have failed and your parent poses an immediate danger, you may need to take their keys away. This should be done with extreme caution and sensitivity, and in conjunction with a plan for alternative transportation.

A Collaborative Approach

The most important thing is to approach this situation with love, respect, and a focus on collaboration. By working together, you can help your parents transition to a new phase of life while ensuring their safety and well-being, and your own. It is also important to be consistent with your message. If you are telling your parent it’s time to stop driving, yet still allowing them to help you by doing errands or driving your kids, the message is unlikely to be understood and followed.

Golden Agreements seeks to build harmony and a unified vision among family members/loved ones, and professional support, for the aging process.  By facilitating difficult discussions, and helping the Golden Client (you, your aging parent, your loved one, etc) make important decisions based on values and priorites, families can set expectations and honor independence and dignity with love. This information should be used in conjunction with the advice of lawyers, doctors, and other professionals who are familiar with your individual needs